Nothing is right, how can I be, how can I feel this way when I have so much, but I feel like I have nothing, I have a roof over my head, I have a beautiful cat who I love and she loves me, I have a dog who is sweet, I have little puppies. I have alot, but yet I'm empty inside, I feel empty around the world. Can no one help me?, question, can anyone love me?. I think that's a big part of why I'm so depressed, because I want someone to love me, either as a bestfriend who's always there for me, or as a family member always on my side, or even just a person who loves me more then anything in the world. I can't have love, because I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I can't think straight, I can't let anyone love me. I can't let anyone love me because I don't want to be loved, to be loved is to be hurt, I don't want to hurt anymore, I want to be happy, I can't be happy ever. To be happy is to open up, to open up is something I can't do to anyone, there fore I right this blog. I'm sick of being hated, I'm sick of being last, I'm sick of being picked on, I'm sick of the Lie's the back stabbing the hate. I want it all to end I want life to end, why can't life be beautiful, why can't people love everyone for who they are and not for what they look like or how much money they have, why can't I let down my walls and windows and bricks and glass and wood and sand and water and all the rest, and let people enter me and let people know me, why I can't do that is because I know no one will care anyway, no one will love me, because I'm stupid to even think someone could. Love is pain, pain is hate, hate is pain. Everything is pain! I don't want more pain, I want to feel like shit, I want to feel happy omg I'm just saying things over and over again now. There's just nothing in me, my soul left me to rot in this place, to let me just go threw life like waste, to never feel true happiness, to never let anyone in, to never love. My soul let me down, I let me down, I let everyone down, born to fail, I'm living up to that, the only thing I'm living up too. Fail is my life, depressed is my Passion, hate is my friend. Hello cruel world my name is Synelle, how do you do?.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Trying to put it in words 3rd day on the pills
Okay Let me try and put my whole day in words.
I woke up and felt depressed so I took my pill, I still felt depressed.
It was my birthday on the 21st of September, and I thought it was going to be a good time, but it wasn't.
First off my mother forgot my birthday, I had no gifts, my mother did buy me a cake I thanked her for it.
It felt like my birthday is not even worth having because no one was happy and I wasn't happy, I hated my birthday.
Then I found out my friend went behind my back and was texting my cousin and they fucked, normally that wouldn't make people mad, but I'm fucked in the brain and this pisses me off.
I forgave them and then my so called friend started pissing me off, so fuck them both!
No one really cares about me, I come last on the list for everyone I know this, but I just wish on my birthday I would come at least 3rd or something.
I will never be first on anyone's list, no one could and will ever love me for me, and I can't be someone they want me to be, I've tried that and I failed hard.
So on my third day of taking my happy pills, not good I feel so down and out and depressed and I hate it.
Also some people rang for me from a clinic, to ask me some questions and I was in such shock that I said I couldn't talk at the moment and for them to ring back the next day, I suck hard.
I just hate my life, there is nothing good in it apart from my animals, and today I got burgerking for my breakfast I felt happy when I ate it, no wonder I'm a fat pig, because food makes me happy, but as soon and all the food is gone I feel like shit again, how could eat that, how could I be so stupid and lame to do that to myself.
Nope I can't do anything right, I suck at everything, I'm stupid I'm dumb [even though they meen the samething].
I hate myself!
I woke up and felt depressed so I took my pill, I still felt depressed.
It was my birthday on the 21st of September, and I thought it was going to be a good time, but it wasn't.
First off my mother forgot my birthday, I had no gifts, my mother did buy me a cake I thanked her for it.
It felt like my birthday is not even worth having because no one was happy and I wasn't happy, I hated my birthday.
Then I found out my friend went behind my back and was texting my cousin and they fucked, normally that wouldn't make people mad, but I'm fucked in the brain and this pisses me off.
I forgave them and then my so called friend started pissing me off, so fuck them both!
No one really cares about me, I come last on the list for everyone I know this, but I just wish on my birthday I would come at least 3rd or something.
I will never be first on anyone's list, no one could and will ever love me for me, and I can't be someone they want me to be, I've tried that and I failed hard.
So on my third day of taking my happy pills, not good I feel so down and out and depressed and I hate it.
Also some people rang for me from a clinic, to ask me some questions and I was in such shock that I said I couldn't talk at the moment and for them to ring back the next day, I suck hard.
I just hate my life, there is nothing good in it apart from my animals, and today I got burgerking for my breakfast I felt happy when I ate it, no wonder I'm a fat pig, because food makes me happy, but as soon and all the food is gone I feel like shit again, how could eat that, how could I be so stupid and lame to do that to myself.
Nope I can't do anything right, I suck at everything, I'm stupid I'm dumb [even though they meen the samething].
I hate myself!
What I think right now
I try and be nice but i fuck up ever single time,
why cant i have a life?
why cant i have a job?
why am i so fuckedup in the brain!
I want to be normal, i want to live laugh and love.
I hate who i am and i hate what i do
everytime i try and be good I be bad
everytime i try to be happy im sad
i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life
i want it to end the pain of having nothing
and haveing everyone look down on me for it.
I'm a fucked up peice of shit!!!
why cant i have a life?
why cant i have a job?
why am i so fuckedup in the brain!
I want to be normal, i want to live laugh and love.
I hate who i am and i hate what i do
everytime i try and be good I be bad
everytime i try to be happy im sad
i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life
i want it to end the pain of having nothing
and haveing everyone look down on me for it.
I'm a fucked up peice of shit!!!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
My Aunty
Lastnight.
Ring Ring Ring, went the phone.
"Hello?" I say
"It's about you're aunty, she's in the hospital" the other person's voice said.
"Oh my gosh, whats wrong with her?" I ask my heart racing like a jackhammer.
"she just had some pain in her chest but shes fine now, just wanted to let you know" the voice said.
"where is she?" I yelled down the phone.
"she's still in hospital, she has to get a blood test back"
"Oh my I hope she's ok" I say trying to hold back my tears.
"I will call you when she gets her blood test back, ok?" the voice said to me.
"yes please thank you" then I hanged up the phone
Sitting alone at the table trying to understand what just happened I then walk to my bed and lay down, I must had fallen a sleep because next thing I knew.
Ring Ring Ring the phone ringing, I wake up straight away and run to the phone pick it up and say
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's just me, auntys fine she's at home they didn't find anything wrong it was probably just stress"
"Oh thank the lord!" I yell out
"I'm so happy to hear that thank you oh my gosh yes, I'm so happy yay" I say while doing a little dance.
"OK sweets I'm going to sleep now talk to you later" the voice said
"OK goodnight, sweet dreams" I say with the biggest smile on my face.
I then hang up the phone, so happy to hear that my aunty is doing just fine. I then find myself back in my bedroom laying in my bed thinking how happy I am that my aunty is doing fine, I then fall a into a light sleep, dreaming about sweet things.
The end
Ring Ring Ring, went the phone.
"Hello?" I say
"It's about you're aunty, she's in the hospital" the other person's voice said.
"Oh my gosh, whats wrong with her?" I ask my heart racing like a jackhammer.
"she just had some pain in her chest but shes fine now, just wanted to let you know" the voice said.
"where is she?" I yelled down the phone.
"she's still in hospital, she has to get a blood test back"
"Oh my I hope she's ok" I say trying to hold back my tears.
"I will call you when she gets her blood test back, ok?" the voice said to me.
"yes please thank you" then I hanged up the phone
Sitting alone at the table trying to understand what just happened I then walk to my bed and lay down, I must had fallen a sleep because next thing I knew.
Ring Ring Ring the phone ringing, I wake up straight away and run to the phone pick it up and say
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's just me, auntys fine she's at home they didn't find anything wrong it was probably just stress"
"Oh thank the lord!" I yell out
"I'm so happy to hear that thank you oh my gosh yes, I'm so happy yay" I say while doing a little dance.
"OK sweets I'm going to sleep now talk to you later" the voice said
"OK goodnight, sweet dreams" I say with the biggest smile on my face.
I then hang up the phone, so happy to hear that my aunty is doing just fine. I then find myself back in my bedroom laying in my bed thinking how happy I am that my aunty is doing fine, I then fall a into a light sleep, dreaming about sweet things.
The end
Second day of pills
Well today I woke up at about 7am and I took my pill, and then put my cat outside then went back to sleep.
I woke up at around 11am and when I did I felt really good and happy about the day.
The person I don't like even came around today and I didn't mind that much, and every time something back came into my mind, my mind would then thinking about something else, it was crazy.
I even let this person I don't like see my puppies, and I always said I don't want her near them cause she might kill them, ha ha.
When my cousin came around I was so hyper, that was crazy too.
Also today I had to look after my nephew and I loved every moment of it.
The thing is the doctor said that the pills wouldn't kick in for about 1 week to 2 weeks, but at the moment it seems that they are working now.
I hope in a few weeks I get even more happier, I can't go outside still cause I keep thinking everyone is out to get me, but I'm not thinking bad things for too long, so it's most defiantly a step in the right direction.
I can't wait to go see a specialist then let them help me to over come my fear of people.
So far so good, and I'm so glad.
I woke up at around 11am and when I did I felt really good and happy about the day.
The person I don't like even came around today and I didn't mind that much, and every time something back came into my mind, my mind would then thinking about something else, it was crazy.
I even let this person I don't like see my puppies, and I always said I don't want her near them cause she might kill them, ha ha.
When my cousin came around I was so hyper, that was crazy too.
Also today I had to look after my nephew and I loved every moment of it.
The thing is the doctor said that the pills wouldn't kick in for about 1 week to 2 weeks, but at the moment it seems that they are working now.
I hope in a few weeks I get even more happier, I can't go outside still cause I keep thinking everyone is out to get me, but I'm not thinking bad things for too long, so it's most defiantly a step in the right direction.
I can't wait to go see a specialist then let them help me to over come my fear of people.
So far so good, and I'm so glad.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Day one on happy Pill's
I feel so tired, I don't even know if I can write this blog.
Imma try.
I took my first pill this morning, and I feel so darn tired and I tried to sleep but I couldn't
when I had something to eat after taking the pill, I felt sick a big but then that passed, it might have been what I had to eat.
A person I hate came over today and I just didn't have enough energy to be mean to her, it was weird cause I'm always mean to her.
I can't think straight I don't know that's because of the pill or because of the pill making me tired so I guess either way it's the pill.
I can't wait to find out after when I've taken these pills for 2 weeks how I'm going to feel.
Oh also this morning with that person I didn't like was here I thought for a little that everyone didn't like me, also around lunch time when my mother went to a persons house who I don't like either [omg I don't hate everyone] I felt she hated me, because she left me.
Imma try.
I took my first pill this morning, and I feel so darn tired and I tried to sleep but I couldn't
when I had something to eat after taking the pill, I felt sick a big but then that passed, it might have been what I had to eat.
A person I hate came over today and I just didn't have enough energy to be mean to her, it was weird cause I'm always mean to her.
I can't think straight I don't know that's because of the pill or because of the pill making me tired so I guess either way it's the pill.
I can't wait to find out after when I've taken these pills for 2 weeks how I'm going to feel.
Oh also this morning with that person I didn't like was here I thought for a little that everyone didn't like me, also around lunch time when my mother went to a persons house who I don't like either [omg I don't hate everyone] I felt she hated me, because she left me.
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